Adorable Owl Cupcakes

THEY ARE SO CUTE.
I can't deal with it.
I got this idea from 6bittersweets, who got it from a book that I can't remember the name of.

I happen to be the biggest owl fan ever because I have no life so this was a really great find for me.

I decided to make these this Saturday when some friends came over, although when some turned into around 50 the poor little guys got a little overshadowed.
By which i mean people stubbed out cigarettes on them. I was very close to calling the RSPCA. Joking, I'm not crazy...what...

Saturday was good fun though and probably one of the last of it's kind I'll throw before university. *sob*

It comprised mostly of boys and vodka and I started to get the impression that a good handful of them showed up to see my mum instead of me.

 Even my friend Richard managed to traumatise my sister knocking on the glass of the room she was sitting in demanding to find out when my mum would be arriving home.

I feel like Stacey, sitting in the swimming pool all alone in a tankini while my mum poledances on the kitchen table. Although my mum would never poledance on the kitchen table, it might scuff the surface.

Even my own boyfriend apparently prefers to hang out with my mum:

*thats them playing Wii tennis, I wasn't allowed to play...

More embarrassing still was my night tonight. My friend Toni and I decided against all better judgement to pick up off a gentleman named 'Sleazy' who previously sold me a generous amount of grass from the garden for £40.

We considered backing out after a while, but then he gallantly texted me

 'I'm in da cab' 

I couldn't possible refuse his charming rhetoric.

So inevitably the guy turns up in a car that looks like a battered coke can and exchanges me an empty plastic bag in exchange for my money. You have to hand it to him though, he promised not to sell me grass again and he stuck to it. That's growth.

In the end Toni and I had our asian movie night £40 poorer and more retarded than ever. It's ok though. because we wore our hair in high buns and drank wine while failing at racist impressions. All good.

The Cupcakes

1. Make basic chocolate cupcakes. Recipes can be found anywhere, I went for the hummingbirds one.

2. Ice with chocolate butter cream, made with cocoa powder, icing sugar, vanilla and butter. 

3. Split several oreos so that the white filling is a full circle, and stick these on next to eachother for the eyes. You then put minstrels in for the pupils, at whatever angle creates a nice facial expression.
4. Pick out the yellow and orange skittles from a pack and place them thin onto the cupcake to create a beak. 

5. You can use the excess icing to pipe the furry top of their head/eyebrows.
Enjoy!

Boob Cake

I've been told in the past that my style of baking and blogging is somewhat 'innapropriate'.

I decided they were wrong, and that it was time to prove them right.

Enter boob cake.

I decided to make this cake for my lovely friend Martha's leaving party, as she, like the rest of the world is fucking off to Israel. When I told her I was making a cake she suggested this as a joke, but should've known better that I'd DEFINITELY go through with it. Who knows, maybe this will open up a whole world of pornographic baking and I'll re-define the 'spotted dick'.

I've made boob once before, for my friend Richard's birthday. If you read my last post, he's the one involved with 'titty-aura', much to Pedram's protesting that it's 'his thing'. I need to stop using quotations, it makes me feel like Joey when he kept using them at the wrong times...

So yes, as a co-creator of 'titty-aura', Richard is a big fan of boobs. He always tells me how mine are looking if I'm having a rough day, because that's what friendship is all about. I always tell him when his shirts are too tight and make him look like a sailor, because I'm an asshole.

So although making boob cake was very fun, the presentation of it was much to be desired. I brought it with me to a testosterone clad pub and had to stand around pretending to be amused all of the hundred times another guy cleverly said 'nice rack' and then laughed at his own joke.

I then finally found Martha and put my tits on the table, only to discover that her Dad and Stepmum would be joining us. Who I've never met. I didn't think my biggest problem meeting someone's parents would be avoiding them looking at my nipples. It was awkward to say the least. Martha's Dad tried to talk to me about 'The Iliad' while averting his gaze, which would've been fine except for that I haven't read the Iliad, and so gave some unfounded opinions on the tone of the book...based on Troy the movie. (I should've used quotations there but I felt awkward.)

The first time I made boob cake, I made lots of errors so this is an opportunity for me to teach what I've learnt about handling sugarpaste.

So here's some tips on how to construct a boob cake:

1. Using any cake mix, fill two small identical saucepans and cook in the oven for as long as you normally would until a toothpick comes out clean.

2. Leave to cool and sit the two cakes next to eachother, then coat in buttercream.

3. For the boobs, you should get fleshcolour sugarpaste, and a colour for the bra you want your boobs to be wearing. Mine got a corset because they're fancy. You need to roll out the fleshcolour and lay it over the two cakes and smooth down the edges, cutting off the excess. Then layer the bra colour on top and decorate.

Sugarpaste tips:

* knead the sugarpaste for 5min before you roll it, this prevents it cracking

* when rolling out the sugarpaste, use only a little icing sugar on the surface, and don't allow any icing sugar to come into contact with the sugarpaste that will be on show. 

* Make sure to spread the buttercream thin, otherwise it will clump underneath the sugarpaste

Guy Pollack is inferior

Salted Caramel 'Mo Cake

This cake is seriously sexy.
And I'll tell you what isn't - me when I was making it.
I'm not gonna lie, it is a pretty challenging cake. But more so if you're a spacially unaware retard.
I actually got assaulted by a whisk at one point, it literally fell out of nowhere onto my face covered in cream making me look like something off of youporn.
I was very hesitant to make this cake, because last time I tried to make caramel from scratch, this happened:

It actually looks less painful than it was.

I made this cake last night for my cousins who came over for dinner.

I decided to serve it with a side of 'it's ok to be gay' pep talk for the middle child. This backfired massively.

Me: Listen, if you're a homo, that's fine.
12 year old: I'm not a homo

Me: Yes but you don't know that yet, you're young, you are a 'mo

12 year old: Right...
Me: And it's ok that you're gay. It's ok to want buttsex.
12 year old: The only buttsex I'm going to be having is if my cock is in a woman's ass.

Me:

Back to cake:

Here's your recipe for some salted caramel 'mo cake:

Sponge:

300g butter

140g brown sugar

3 eggs

100g cocoa powder

160ml buttermilk

1 tsp vanilla

330g flour

2 tsp baking powder

1tsp bicarb

1 tsp salt

Salty Caramel:

200g caster sugar

2 tbsp golden syrup

180ml double cream

1 tsp sea salt

Frosting:

200g caster sugar

2 tbsp golden syrup

360ml double cream

450g dark chocolate

450g unsalted butter

1. Make the salty caramel first by boiling the sugar and syrup for 10 mins, then in a seperate pan dissolove salt into double cream. Pour this into the caramel mix and whisk. Set aside.

2. Make frosting following the same steps, but follow by stirring in the dark chocolate and then the butter. Set aside.

3. Sponge. Preheat oven to 170C. Cream butter and both sugars, then add eggs.

4. In a jug stir cocoa buttermilk and vanilla, and sift all dry ingreds. In 3 batches mix in the wet and dry, ending with the dry. 

5. Divide into 2 pans and cook for 25mins.

6. Once cool, sandwich the layers with caramel and frosting, swirling the remaining caramel on top. 

Hummingbird's Malted Chocolate Cupcakes

Hello my loyal and obsessive fans. (I am of course addressing myself and my boyfriend who occassionally checks for a genuine mention on here)

My grandma looked once too for my cheesecake recipe, jammy slut.

So since I got back from Tel Aviv I've done relatively fuck all. But it's been a nice fuck all. I've basically sat around watching The Runaway Bride over and over again crying and smoking. 
In fact it got to the point where Toni left my house while we were halfway through the movie, and the next day when she asked what I was doing I had to tell her I was still watching it.

She does look like a bell when she moves :')

So I've utilized my free house well.

Also had my self a little partA last night, which is basically what comprises of a large group of people spending the evening with me staring at them whispering 'eat my cake'. Good times.

It was a very nice night though, I was reunited with Tally and it felt so good. I also learnt about Titty-aura from Richard and Pedram.

I learnt that it is the effect of being surrounded by great pairs of boobs that creates a calming and happy atmosphere. I suspect it derives from memories of breastfeeding. Poor messed up boys.
Either way, with Tash Biber in the room, the titty-aura was apparently on form.

 Phwoar. Feeling calm yet?

My childhood stalker Alex came and brought his two friends that happened to be all kinds of weird.
They kind of tanked when we invited them to play 'I've Never.'
I thought it would be nice to get them involved, until they opened with 'Er, I've never fucked a girl, realised she's bleeding and carried on.'
...no neither mate.

Maura, Ilana, Jess and Tash all requested a mention.
Tash has already had hers.
Here's the deal on them:
Maura is a slut and her boyfriend has run off with mine out of despair.
Ilana likes feet.
Jess is an ugly ginger.
There, mentioned.

So the night slowed down a little, Alex stayed for a while and I made his friends help tidy up in exchange for me waxing Alex's chest.

 You thought I was joking...

I then got into bed with a cup of tea and went on chatroulette telling people to sort their lives out.

So how does all of this relate to cupcakes?
It doesn't.
Except these cupcakes were eaten last night and I just enjoy talking about myself.
So the cupcakes.
There's this place in St. Albans called The Waffle House. It makes the most amazing malted chocolate milkshake that I've been craving ever since I first had it at age 10. When I discovered this recipe I had to do it, because that malty taste is just the yummiest thing in the world.
Here goes:

Ingredients

Sponge:

150ml sunflower oil

75ml milk

75ml buttermilk

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

240g flour 

25g cocoa powder

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt 

330g caster sugar

150ml boiling water

Frosting:

200g dark chocolate

240ml double cream

115ml malt powder

50g cream cheese

35g caster sugar

Malteasers to decorate

1. Preheat oven to 190C. Whisk the blue ingredients and sift the red in a seperate bowl.
2. Alternate the dry ingredients with the boiling water in 3 shifts mixing into the initial mixture.
3. Divide into paper cases and cook for 18-20mins.
4. Meanwhile melt the dark chocolate in a pan slowly and set aside to cool. Whisk the double cream with the malt powder to create stiff peaks.
5. In a seperate bowl, whisk the cream cheese and sugar, then mix in the melted chocolate and add this to the double cream malt.
6. Use a palette knife to swirl onto cooled cupcakes.