Red Velvet Cupcakes

Welcome back fatties and singletons :)

Sorry, that was harsh. After all, you may be reading a cake blog but nothing screams 'dying alone' like the girl who is most likely to get choked to death by a cloud of icing sugar. 

I am aware and apologetic that I have been absent from baking and blogging about baking for so long, but I have been devoting my time to writing about the ins and outs of my friends sex lives (pun intended).
However fun it has been, it got to a point where every time someone told me a dirty story they would start with "don't blog about this!" and for my more fun friends it went a little more like "you should write about me, I had sex in the snow". Aside from being slightly concerned about the likelihood of my friend's bajengo catching pneumonia, mostly I just decided it was time to take a very little break and go back to cakes for this week.

After all, I can vent so much more about my life here because as long as there are pictures of food no one seems to really mind. It's like an arrangement my best friend Dylan and I have; when he gets bored of me talking about my life then I have to take my top off and he agrees to carry on listening. You can't imagine the amount of times someone's walked into my room and seen me half naked with the echoes of '...and how do you feel about that?'

So here's the same situation: I'm going to tell you about what's been going on in my life recently, if you're not interested then just look at my cupcakes..

Today is the day that I have officially finished my Fresher's year of University. It has been the most incredible year (the parts that I remember that is) and honestly trying to drag myself away has been a difficult feat. I actually already left once this week, on Tuesday, but found myself back again less than 24 hours later because I couldn't quite leave without one last trip to Crisis.

I feel like one of those mothers with separation anxiety that can't leave their child at nursery...except instead of a child it's cheap vodka and bad music.

There has been lots of change in this University year. I have dyed my hair 10 different colours to the point of threats from my hairdresser, all of course to realise in the end that I was happiest my natural colour (or the closest shade that L'Oreal makes to it). I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, and went through all the natural stages of a break up: revenge rampage, date a gay guy (again), contemplate lesbianism only to realise that you're not comfortable saying Yo! to any sushi, and of course internet shopping debt. Thankfully all of this was confined to the short space of a very interesting two weeks. Aside from hair and boys, I've made the most amazing friends this year and have finally worked out what I really want to do with my life, and am actually getting started with it. That's right, I'm going to be a pornstar. No, I'm going to be a writer...but I shouldn't rule out doing a Kim Kardashian to get my name out there. 

With the last week of term closing in on us, we Freshers have been enlightened on something known as 'goldrush.' For anyone that hasn't heard of this, it is just about the most romantic thing in the world. Imagine you are a third year student and about to leave University and realise that you want to make sure you've visited all the landmarks that campus has to offer. Now imagine that these landmarks are Fresher's vaginas. You get the picture. Essentially, this is a time for all horny third years to make sure that they have gotten with/on top of/inside every girl that they have wanted to that they will most likely never see again before the year's up. 

Entertaining as it is to watch, it is much less entertaining to fall victim to it. A couple of my friends (not naming any names) have been blessed with this goldrush honour, as for the rest I've seen the third year boys snaking around Ocean nightclub smiling at the freshers like prey. This isn't to say that all the third year boys are bad, some of them are great guys. Not so great however, are the ones that refer to me as 'mini Steph' while smiling at me and running their hands down my back. I suppose in the mind of a drunk 21 year old, it wouldn't register that being patronised while reminded of the fact that they have most likely played tonsil tennis with your sister isn't so attractive to a girl. 

It seems like all over Nottingham University this 2012-esque end of the world mentality is spreading like wildfire, as everyone seems to be ending their year totally intoxicated confessing their feelings for one another and generally creating an atmosphere like a cheap Latino sitcom. Last night at Crisis alone there were three confessions of love, two rejected friend kisses and countless shouting, crying and throwing drinks. I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that I'm home however, I get to enjoy the luxuries of baking, London clubbing (cute bartenders inclusive) and spending time with my wife Tallie who mostly just eats the cakes and steals the cute bartenders..

THE CAKE BIT

I decided that if I was going to write a cake post after all this time, it should be a recipe that is classic, delicious and easy to do. Nothing says classic cupcakes like Red Velvet. I would be lying if I said this was the first time I have baked anything recently. There have been 6 occasions in which I have royally fucked up baking. I have cried almost all of them.
Last week I decided to make Whoopie Pies at a boy's house in an effort to make a good impression on his mum. An hour later, she couldn't have been less impressed to come home to a messy kitchen and some very depressed looking things that genuinely resembled nothing more than dog turds. However amused the boy was at my failure, it took a while for me to get over it. 

As for these Red Velvets, well they are the first thing I ever baked and they would never let me down.
Here's the recipe:

• 60g unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 150g caster sugar
• 1 egg
• 10g cocoa powder
• 20ml red food colouring (we recommend Dr. Oetker's or a paste colouring as red food colourings vary in strength)
• ½tsp vanilla extract
• 120ml buttermilk
• 150g plain flour
• ½tsp salt
• ½tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 1½tsp white wine vinegar
• 
  

• 300g icing sugar, sifted
• 50g unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 125g cream cheese, cold
  

• 12-hole cupcake tray, lined with large cupcake cases

1. Preheat the oven to 170°C/325°F/gas mark 3.

2. Put the butter and the sugar in a freestanding electric mixer with a paddle attachment (or use a handheld electric whisk) and beat on medium speed until light and fluffy and well mixed. Turn the mixer up to high speed, slowly add the egg and beat until everything is well incorporated.

3. In a separate bowl, mix together the cocoa powder, red food colouring and vanilla extract to make a thick, dark paste. Add to the butter mixture and mix thoroughly until evenly combined and coloured (scrape any unmixed ingredients from the side of the bowl with a rubber spatula). Turn the mixer down to slow speed and slowly pour in half the buttermilk. Beat until well mixed, then add half the flour, and beat until everything is well incorporated. Repeat this process until all the buttermilk and flour have been added. Scrape down the side of the bowl again. Turn the mixer up to high speed and beat until you have a smooth, even mixture. Turn the mixer down to low speed and add the salt, bicarbonate of soda and vinegar. Beat until well mixed, then turn up the speed again and beat for a couple more minutes.

4. Spoon the mixture into the paper cases until two-thirds full and bake in the preheated oven for 20–25 mins, or until the sponge bounces back when touched. A skewer inserted in the centre should come out clean. Leave the cupcakes to cool slightly in the tray before turning out onto a wire cooling rack to cool completely.

(sexy and I know it)

5. Meanwhile for the cream cheese frosting: Beat the icing sugar and butter together in a freestanding electric mixer with a paddle attachment (or use a handheld electric whisk) on medium-slow speed until the mixture comes together and is well mixed. Add the cream cheese in one go and beat until it is completely incorporated. Turn the mixer up to medium-high speed. Continue beating until the frosting is light and fluffy, at least 5 mins. Do not overbeat, as it can quickly become runny.

When the cupcakes are cold, spoon over the cream cheese frosting on top.

Tiramisu Cupcakes

Some of you may know that I don't really eat cake. I've mention this before and I know it makes me look like a bigger fraud than Mona but it's true. This means, however, that I will only make cake that is so good that even I want to eat it.

You can ask any member of my family, 80% of the time when I'm baking I yell at the food like it's just cheated on me and throw it away. Then I paint my nails, which is risky because when I fuck that up they're attached to me so all I can really do is yell at my hands. Makes me feel like I know Edward Scissorhands' pain.

So that's why these cupcakes are special. Not only are they cake, but they are coffee flavoured cake. I fucking hate coffee flavoured anything. The only thing I hate more than coffee flavoured things is denim miniskirts. But that's a whole other issue.

Not only did I eat this motherfuckers. I loved them. They're so moist, so alcoholic, and taste like a Starbucks/Hummingbird lovechild. I want to adopt that lovechild.
 I literally spent more time eating them than Tulisa did that poor man's penis. (I can't remember his name properly, but honestly if you suck off someone who's name starts with DJ, you shouldn't be that appalled when he's not the perfect gentleman after.)

I'm going to get back to the cake soon, but first I'm going to talk about myself. And there's nothing you can do about it. I've had a very interesting couple of weeks.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, but don't worry in the words of Beyonce:
 'I'm not gonna blast you on the radio, I'm better than that.' (I feel that blogging is the 2012 equivalent of the radio)

I still care for the boy deeply, possibly not as much as I do his sisters but I can't help that. Either way it's been a very interesting time finding out what single life is about for possibly the first time in my life. I've been taught by my friends (and Carrie) a fair amount.

For example, Casey has taught me never to get with anyone below an 8...which is fine if you look like Casey.

I've also been taught by Kunal to stop hate-chirpsing people. For example I produced the following pickup line on Monday night 'oh you're French? I hate French guys. No, you're not an exception.' (It worked though)

Other than this sage wisdom I'm morealess just having a fuckload of fun with my last few weeks of term. WAH. I'm honestly going to miss it so much seeing as I will be spending all of Easter surrounded by Matza and my inappropriate family who need to stop sharing information about their sex lives. That means you Grandma.

...slut

There's so much more going on but honestly I will bore you to death. I'm going to post the recipe tomorrow because I can't be fucked right now.

THIS BIT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT CAKE
Just going to briefly explain what these beautiful little cupcakes are about. Aside from heaven.
They are Tiramisu cupcakes, gorgeous vanilla sponge with Kahlua and coffee soaked centres with a layer of Kahlua cream in the middle and on top. (I made the Kahlua myself because I'm a badman raised by alcoholics).

Here's a couple more pictures so you get the gist:

Strawberries & Cream Cheesecake

Hello loyal and patient fans...(members of my family and probably some middle aged Asian businessmen that got here accidentally while surfing for Hentai porn). I know I keep leaving it years between posts but it's nice to be dramatic and attention seeking reappearing like that guy in The Prestige.

 Incase anyone cares how my life is going at uni i'll give a brief update. I've finally started acting like a real student and went to two whole seminars. Little did I know prior to this that it was possible to spend 120 minutes learning about walls. I've also cut down on my unhealthy Internet shopping addiction and am enriching my life with more positive things, like cigarettes and Pretty Little Liars.

 The rest of semester 2 so far has really been a blur of drama, vomit, people falling in bushes and lots of questionably tight and slutty clothing...on my friend James Phillips. It shouldn't come as much of a surprise that sometimes I like a break from it all to come home and talk to my cookery books. But only a short break, to bring cake back to the troops.

 Today's recipe is really a keeper. Strawberries and cream cheesecake. *sighhhh* it just sounds so perfect as a pairing like honey and lemon, or Kardashian and leopard print, or Milton Karamani and fake tan.

It's honestly the best recipe ever. It tastes how I assume Peter Pan clouds taste. It's a very modest but pretty cake and tastes creamy and light, like a purer version of Haagen Dazs Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream.

I decided to go with this recipe because I neglected to make my best friend Tally a birthday cake. Strawberries and cream is the picky bitches favourite flavour so I've had to go with it. Not that I wasn't a good enough friend on her birthday; coming down to London to wear a bikini in MARCH.

 Boys will probably not understand this, but the Universe gives girls exactly 10 months from the moment they stop wearing bikinis in September to the painstaking time they start again in June to mentally, emotionally and physically prepare for this harrowing task. So when thrown a curveball like this, we suddenly drop our smug late-winter attitude of 'I definitely look fabulous under my onesie, not like a pale doughboy' and jump ship. (but then we realise that requires a bikini and stay on the ship but in great lighting).

 Well if there was ever a cake to destroy the ability to bikini ever again it's this one - and it's fabulous.

 Here's the recipe:
 1. Mash up half a pack of digestives with a rolling pin, then stir in 100g melted butter. Line detachable bottom pan with this base.
 2. Boil 200g chopped strawberries with 80g caster sugar and 30ml water. As the strawbs go soft and the water reduces by half, remove from heat to cool.
3. Whip up 600g cream cheese with 100g caster sugar, then slowly beat in 2 eggs - one at a time. Stir in cooled strawberries.
4. Pour on top of base and wrap pan in foil, then place in a larger pan filled 3/4 top with water. Cook on 160c for half an hour. Whip up double cream to spread on top once cake is out the oven and cooled. Leave to set overnight.

 Xx

Surprisingly non - disgusting Cardamom Loaf

I am fully aware how unpleasant cardamom loaf sounds, but I assure you it is awesome.
I first started my romance with cardamom at Uni when my insane friend Sufi arrived with all her eastern remedies that her mum packed with her. This girl was basically stocked to be the Dalai Lama of A&E for freshers flu. I always picture her floating around her rooms with scarves chanting and grinding up herbs. The reality is she spends more time in my room laughing at her ridiculous boobs while I grind up herbs of my own finding...

So to my point, I always wander into her room whining about a new type of feeling unwell and deciding I'm dying from what can only be described as JHS (Jewish Hypochondriac Syndrome). Sufi's go to move is always her Mum's cardamom tea. At first I spat it out because it wasn't PG Tips and I take issue with change, but then I became so obsessed with it that I started literally stealing it.

It's got an amazing fresh and exotic flavour without tasting too herby. This cake is essentially designed for eating with tea, especially herbal tea. It's totally light and yummy without being sickly and you can just eat it all day. Unfortunately it is for that reason that I couldn't get a picture of it in it's full glory. I decided to have a Bridget Jones moment and eat it straight out the pan at 5am while talking about myself. Kate bore witness to this, as she now thinks she lives at my house. She actually said 'Hi Mum and Dad!' to my parents one of the last times she came over. At this point she had met them twice.

I have been eating this cake all morning watching Pretty Little Liars deciding that I know all the answers in spite of the fact that there's a 90% chance I don't know any of them. Either way I've spent my time stuffing my face and desperately contacting Sacha Feldman to tell her I've put a new piece of the puzzle together. To which she always says 'I know...everyone knows...it became obvious 3 weeks ago.' And then I cry and eat more cake and decide that PLL is going to end however I say so.

Even my mum has eaten it, as I slyly put a note on it saying 'Low-Fat'. I may has well written 'contains no food whatsoever', otherwise she just plain wouldn't have eaten it.

I know that no one who isn't directly looking for cake really looks at the recipe part of this, but this one is actually very simple and lovely. I think that you should grow some fucking balls and try to make it. You will feel like you've accomplished something this holiday aside from 'revising'. Or what boys straight up call 'masturbating while playing Xbox'. I'm talking to you Gibber. Jokes probably not.

Recipe:
190g caster sugar
190g butter
10 split and crushed cardamom pods
190g flour
3 eggs <3
1 tsp baking powder
25ml sour cream
splash vanilla extract

(LOOK HOW EASY IT IS, FUCKING DO IT)


1. Preheat oven to 170. Cream butter, sugar and crushed cardamom, mush in your 3 eggs.

2. Add flour and baking powder.

3. Add sour cream and vanilla extract.

4. Put in loaf tin, then oven for 50mins.

Do it bitches. It is so easy. Anyone that actually does this, or bothers to do any other recipe I have ever published please send me a picture: olivia.jane.geisler@gmail.com. I will be disgustingly impressed and put the picture in my next post.

Pina Colada Cupcakes

Apologies to my miniscule group of fans, for I have been extremely absent since the summer.

Late October I started studying at Nottingham University.

'Studying' is a loose term, since the most reading I've done has been on the back of paracetemol packets after waking up at 4pm. 

Its been the most amazing first term, so amazing that I haven't been able to stop and pick up a mixing bowl. Especially considering the fact that students are broke as fuck.

 After a certain point, money tends to be represented by tickets, cigarettes and takeaway. This is all organised on an epic trip to One-Stop where rich jewish students escape campus and fear the locals while getting money out. I've decided that the locals are possibly more scared of me, with my bright red hair and embodying Carrie Bradshaw in her misguidedly bad dressed days of the 2nd season of Sex and the City.

I'm quite certain I've eaten more Dominoes in the past 3 months than in my entire life, to the point that Milel (the guy who answers the phone) and I have developed a very promising relationship...that was until he asked me if I was sure I only needed one chocolate melt.

I decided to symbolise the past few months in a recipe, I would go with my first batch of alcoholic cupcakes. 

They represent nights like these:

And mornings like these:

I hosted a 'You Are What You Drink' party for my birthday this year in the brilliant Hoxton Pony in Shoreditch. This meant that everyone dressed up like their favourite cocktail. I was particularly impressed by the girl wearing a lemon on her head. Less so by the girls dressed as White Russian...hookers. 

Anyway, it got me inspired. 

The ultimate cocktail is of course the Pina Colada - and with enough Malibu in my house to sedate an army of Israeli soldiers, I decided to give it a go.

I love this recipe, and how the cupcakes have a glazed look to them. They taste gorgeous, like calorie fuelled shots!

Here's how it's done:

Ingredients

• 55g/2oz unsalted butter, room temperature
• 140g/5oz sugar
• 120ml/4floz coconut milk
• 1 large egg
• 140g/5oz plain flour
• 2tsp baking powder
• 425g/15oz can of pineapple rings, drained and chopped small

For the icing:

• 175g/6oz caster sugar
• 1 egg white
• 2tbsp coconut rum, like Malibu
1. Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/gas 4. Line a 12-hole non-stick muffin tin with paper cases.
2. Cream the butter and the sugar together until light and fluffy. Mix the coconut milk and egg together and add to the butter and sugar. don’t worry if it looks a little curdled at this stage.
3. Sift the flour with the baking powder and add to the mixture, followed by the chopped pineapple.
4. Divide the mixture between the muffin cases and bake in the oven for 20 mins until springy to the touch. Leave to cool on a wire rack.
5. Place the icing ingredients in a heatproof bowl and place over a bowl of hot (not boiling) water. Use an electric whisk to beat the mixture until it thickens and forms soft peaks when you lift the whisk. This should take 5-6 mins. Remove the bowl from the heat and spread the icing on the cupcakes, working quickly before the icing sets. Decorate as you please.

Adorable Owl Cupcakes

THEY ARE SO CUTE.
I can't deal with it.
I got this idea from 6bittersweets, who got it from a book that I can't remember the name of.

I happen to be the biggest owl fan ever because I have no life so this was a really great find for me.

I decided to make these this Saturday when some friends came over, although when some turned into around 50 the poor little guys got a little overshadowed.
By which i mean people stubbed out cigarettes on them. I was very close to calling the RSPCA. Joking, I'm not crazy...what...

Saturday was good fun though and probably one of the last of it's kind I'll throw before university. *sob*

It comprised mostly of boys and vodka and I started to get the impression that a good handful of them showed up to see my mum instead of me.

 Even my friend Richard managed to traumatise my sister knocking on the glass of the room she was sitting in demanding to find out when my mum would be arriving home.

I feel like Stacey, sitting in the swimming pool all alone in a tankini while my mum poledances on the kitchen table. Although my mum would never poledance on the kitchen table, it might scuff the surface.

Even my own boyfriend apparently prefers to hang out with my mum:

*thats them playing Wii tennis, I wasn't allowed to play...

More embarrassing still was my night tonight. My friend Toni and I decided against all better judgement to pick up off a gentleman named 'Sleazy' who previously sold me a generous amount of grass from the garden for £40.

We considered backing out after a while, but then he gallantly texted me

 'I'm in da cab' 

I couldn't possible refuse his charming rhetoric.

So inevitably the guy turns up in a car that looks like a battered coke can and exchanges me an empty plastic bag in exchange for my money. You have to hand it to him though, he promised not to sell me grass again and he stuck to it. That's growth.

In the end Toni and I had our asian movie night £40 poorer and more retarded than ever. It's ok though. because we wore our hair in high buns and drank wine while failing at racist impressions. All good.

The Cupcakes

1. Make basic chocolate cupcakes. Recipes can be found anywhere, I went for the hummingbirds one.

2. Ice with chocolate butter cream, made with cocoa powder, icing sugar, vanilla and butter. 

3. Split several oreos so that the white filling is a full circle, and stick these on next to eachother for the eyes. You then put minstrels in for the pupils, at whatever angle creates a nice facial expression.
4. Pick out the yellow and orange skittles from a pack and place them thin onto the cupcake to create a beak. 

5. You can use the excess icing to pipe the furry top of their head/eyebrows.
Enjoy!

Boob Cake

I've been told in the past that my style of baking and blogging is somewhat 'innapropriate'.

I decided they were wrong, and that it was time to prove them right.

Enter boob cake.

I decided to make this cake for my lovely friend Martha's leaving party, as she, like the rest of the world is fucking off to Israel. When I told her I was making a cake she suggested this as a joke, but should've known better that I'd DEFINITELY go through with it. Who knows, maybe this will open up a whole world of pornographic baking and I'll re-define the 'spotted dick'.

I've made boob once before, for my friend Richard's birthday. If you read my last post, he's the one involved with 'titty-aura', much to Pedram's protesting that it's 'his thing'. I need to stop using quotations, it makes me feel like Joey when he kept using them at the wrong times...

So yes, as a co-creator of 'titty-aura', Richard is a big fan of boobs. He always tells me how mine are looking if I'm having a rough day, because that's what friendship is all about. I always tell him when his shirts are too tight and make him look like a sailor, because I'm an asshole.

So although making boob cake was very fun, the presentation of it was much to be desired. I brought it with me to a testosterone clad pub and had to stand around pretending to be amused all of the hundred times another guy cleverly said 'nice rack' and then laughed at his own joke.

I then finally found Martha and put my tits on the table, only to discover that her Dad and Stepmum would be joining us. Who I've never met. I didn't think my biggest problem meeting someone's parents would be avoiding them looking at my nipples. It was awkward to say the least. Martha's Dad tried to talk to me about 'The Iliad' while averting his gaze, which would've been fine except for that I haven't read the Iliad, and so gave some unfounded opinions on the tone of the book...based on Troy the movie. (I should've used quotations there but I felt awkward.)

The first time I made boob cake, I made lots of errors so this is an opportunity for me to teach what I've learnt about handling sugarpaste.

So here's some tips on how to construct a boob cake:

1. Using any cake mix, fill two small identical saucepans and cook in the oven for as long as you normally would until a toothpick comes out clean.

2. Leave to cool and sit the two cakes next to eachother, then coat in buttercream.

3. For the boobs, you should get fleshcolour sugarpaste, and a colour for the bra you want your boobs to be wearing. Mine got a corset because they're fancy. You need to roll out the fleshcolour and lay it over the two cakes and smooth down the edges, cutting off the excess. Then layer the bra colour on top and decorate.

Sugarpaste tips:

* knead the sugarpaste for 5min before you roll it, this prevents it cracking

* when rolling out the sugarpaste, use only a little icing sugar on the surface, and don't allow any icing sugar to come into contact with the sugarpaste that will be on show. 

* Make sure to spread the buttercream thin, otherwise it will clump underneath the sugarpaste

Guy Pollack is inferior