I have to confess, I have always been just a little bit a lot afraid of muffins.
I think it's the fear of the unknown.
What are they? Are they a cake? Or a bread?
WHAT DO THEY WANT?!
Why are people putting ham in them?
It's all too much for me.
I tried watching this video, but it definitely made me more afraid.
Even as they're sitting in my oven right now rising up like little peanutty nazis I'm afraid of them.
(I know, I'm selling them so well)
Its been a standard boring Friday, my family likes to keep Shabbat very traditional, so we have family night. This of course means happy hour, followed by dinner, followed by a zoot infront of the TV.
I decided it was time to make muffins, as they seemed to be the simplest thing in my hummingbird book.
Here it goes, peanut butter muffins
(you should know that as I'm typing this, I still don't know what they will turn out like. I'm sneakily adding pictures later, so at this stage I'm as clueless as you)
Ingredients: 2 cups flour 1/4 cup sugar 3 teaspoons baking powder 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup peanut butter 2 eggs 1 cup of milk
1. Sift together all the dry ingredients
2. Mix in the peanut butter
3. Mix together the eggs and milk in a jug, then mix into batter until smooth.
Super easy.
Bake for 25mins on 180C and watch the little fuckers grow.
I'm still waiting....really bored
They've got huge, like little volcanos.
While I'm waiting, happy shark week everyone!!!
No? Me neither..
Apparently it's some thing on the discovery channel where they only focus on sharks all week...I don't understand why that would be enjoyable.
It sounds fucking scary. Almost as scary as muffins.
You should watch this video on the topic by my favourite person on youtube, Jenna Marbles. She's hilarious.
For all those interested, I have had a very messy morning.
I was up all night watching the best movie in the world, Pretty in Pink.
For all those that haven't seen it, do so now. No one does angsty teen like Molly Ringwald with her second hand clothes and awkward lip biting. But it works.
Kristen Stewart's tried it, but she just looks constipated and confused all day long.
Why is she so fucking bored?! The girl is on the red carpet and it looks like she's in Sainsbury's trying to work out if she needs eggs or not. Someone needs to show that girl what her boyfriend looks like - might perk her up a bit.
- also this has to be pointed out 'oooh look at me I'm wearing converse on the red carpet, I'm so down to earth' FUCK OFF. Your Yigal Azrouel dress probably cost more than 100 pairs of converse. (although lusm the Israelis) He should be dressing me instead, and I will wear his dress in Tel Aviv WITH SOME HEELS. LIKE A HUMAN BEING WHO DOESN'T LIVE INSIDE THEIR OWN BUM.
^sorry that was the biggest tangent in the whole world.
Pretty in Pink. The best thing about it other than Molly Ringwald is Jon Cryer. (you know that guy from Two and a Half Men) Well I wish he had never turned into Alan Harper because him as Duckie is the best thing ever. He's amazing, and his hair is fantastic. This is the best clip of him, paying tribute to my favourite man in the world.
You can't not smile when you're watching that. Also love how Molly is wearing a sofa.
SO BACK TO MY MORNING.
I was up all night, as I've informed you, and then woken up freaking early to be accused of thieving by my mother. Only by the time I managed to get back into bed and drift off the woman comes into my room all 'Oops, just realised you weren't lying. Sorry :)'
In the end I had to just give up on trying to sleep.
I came downstairs to find my new nose ring in the post, which was obviously very exciting...until I realised I had no idea how to put it in, let alone take the other one out.
I seeked advice on youtube from this charming lady:
SO pretty!
In the end I managed to fangle the thing out of my nose, only to fumble around with the packaging for the new one that the hole pretty much closed up.
What with having the most sensitive nose in North West London, trying to re-pierce it was NOT FUN. My face became a crime scene.
After this long ordeal, I decided to go downstairs and fix myself a lemon tea (which may or may not have had some scotch in it) Ok it was just scotch. With some lemon. Gotta get the 5 a day. I DESERVED IT I WAS IN PAIN.
So there I sat squatting in the only dry part of my rainy garden with a bloody nose, hot scotch situation and a cigarette. All was nearly right in the world (except for a felt like a homeless crackhead) until the creepy gardener arrived and started telling me about his weekend at the Mayfair Club. The man needs to stop trying to convince me he's straight, it's not happening.
So here I am, a little drunk, bloody and feeling awkward while creepy gardener watches me eating my shortbread through the window.
So FINALLY here is the recipe for it. I promise you, it is really very good (and addictive)
Ingredients:
130g butter
150g plain flour
60g caster sugar
a pinch of salt
1. Cream the butter and sugar together til light and fluffy, then add the flour and salt and mix with hands until it is doughy.
2. Press into molds, or if you don't have any into a large springform pan. Cook in 170C oven for 25mins.
3. Remove from molds (or cut into squares if in a pan) and heat up some chocolate or candy melts.
4. Get some sprinkles into a cup, and prepare to dip the shortbread into the candy melts (or chocolate) then into the sprinkles, the onto a piece of foil.
They should turn out a little something like this:
Here's one my mum tried to get her hands on:
Standard woman. Picks it up, eats a little bit, put's it back so it's like the calories never happened.
I've had a very slutty day of baking today. In my defence it's hot as shit in this country, but nonetheless my Key Lime Pie has seen me in a bikini and we hardly know each other.
Here I am doing some slutty whisking.
I'm so saucy. They should put me on page 3 of Baked & Delicious. My hair and make-up were expertly done by the team at L'Oreal Paris. (but you get that, because I look so fine)
While we're here, I'm going to bravely address an issue that affects many women across the UK and Ireland. SIDEARM PEOPLE.
Not everyone had a sidearm complex, my side arm is another girls underbum, or maybe someone's upchin or sidehip. All girls have this one thing in a photo that is evil and can't be controlled, and usually they're the only one who sees it.
But now you're looking at my sidearm.
And now I feel uncomfortable and want to wear pillowcases on my arms forever. Maybe Cath Kidston ones...pretty...with the little polka dots or something...
I know some people that have really fantastic sidearms. Danielle Woolf is the master, Lottie Lauder is pretty fantastic too. Alex Skolnick has really good sidearm, except her armpit genuinely looks like a vagina.
I couldn't have possibly digressed more from Key Lime Pie if it was possible. I apologise. It's just all very exciting and overwhelming at times. This happens to be the best I can do on a hungover day where I can't feel my feet.
KEY LIME PIE
Ingredients:
Zest and Juice of 5 limes (plus extra zest for decorating)
2 cans of condensed milk
8 egg yolks
A packet of digestives
200g butter
Double cream
1. Mash up the digestives in a ziplock bag with a rolling pin (just imagine something that makes you angry, I like to think of when people wear cut off leggings with the lacey bit), melt the butter and stir it in, then push into the bottom and sides of a greased pie tin.
2. Slowly whisk the limes, condensed milk and yolks and the mix will naturally thicken.
3. Pour the mixture into the crusted pie tin, and put in the oven on 150C for 20mins.
4. Leave to set in the fridge for 1hr and then whisk some double cream to spread on top. Sprinkle with remaining lime zest.
Snickerdoodle Cookies have nothing at all to do with Zoe. I don't think she's even heard of a snickerdoodle, because she's Japanese.
This is Zoe, she has a headache:
She is a professional model.
This is her modelling for McQueen:
Zoe is having a post dedicated to her because she finally read this blog for the first time today, and also I'm bored.
Hopefully she'll have time to read it, she'll be doing god knows what all over the manor.
Here are some facts about Zoe, for all that don't know her:
1. She eats her own clothes
2. She doesn't have a TV
3. She lives in the heath with a dog with no face
4. She denies having bumsex in a tent
5. She loves me and Essie (of Essie Brownies) more than anything...even though her brother told me that I'm not her best friend and also called me a scary prostitute. To be fair, I was wearing this when he made that judgement:
BACK TO SNICKERDOODLE COOKIES
These cookies are really great, I actually didn't want to try one when I first made them because I was full and couldn't be bothered, but then it turned out they were amazing. Really soft and chewy and the cinnamon makes them really flavoursome and tasty.
Here's how it's done:
Ingredients:
60g butter
160g caster sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
1 egg
240g plain flour
3/4 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 tsp bicarb soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
Method:
1. Cream the butter and sugar, then add vanilla and egg and mix thoroughly
2. Sift in all the dry ingredients
3. Roll dough into a ball, and fridge for 40 mins, preheat the oven to 170C
4. Make little balls the size of walnuts and roll them around in a mix of caster sugar and cinnamon, then spread out on a baking tray, cook for 13 mins
What is a 'whoopie pie' you ask?
Well I don't know. At all.
I just wikipedia'd, it turns out they can't really explain it either. Cunts.
Although they informed me that Amish men's wives used to put them in their lunchboxes and the men shouted 'whoopie!' upon discovering them.
...Amish men seem so content, I want a boyfriend that cheers when I cook.
My boyfriend cheers when he throws a phone or lighter at me and I catch it. This has happened once, and it was half sarcastic because I fell over in the catching process.
He's angry that I haven't put a photo of him up on this blog,
so here he is:
He's not much to look at, but I'm not shallow.
I accept him just as I will accept our beautiful caramel children.
Back to Whoopie Pies.
I've made all kinds of whoopie pies, and I'll share the rest with you later on, but I'm starting off with Red Velvet.
This is in honour of my current hair choice, as I'm going for one of these:
So far a good handful of children have asked me if I caught on fire, while my mum reacted with 'WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS?!' while my dad laughed in the background. Someone really needs to show that woman Crimewatch, or at least Jersey Shore. On top of this, some charming French women sitting opposite me on the train yesterday discussed in length whether or not they liked 'les cheveaux de flammes'. That's ok though, because I like it, for this week at least. I might start dedicating cakes to hair experiments(errors) i've made this year, stay tuned.
Enough about me and my extremely exciting hair that you care LOADS about, here's your recipe:
For the sponge: 120g butter 200g soft dark brown sugar 1 egg 120ml buttermilk 1 tsp vanilla essence 340g plain flour 2tbsp cocoa powder 1/2 tsp bicarbonate soda 1/2 tsp salt 30ml red food colouring
For the filling: 85g butter 150g icing sugar 80g cream cheese
1. Preheat the oven to 170C and grease 2 baking trays 2. Cream the butter and sugar until fluffy, add the egg 3. In a jug, mix the buttermilk and vanilla, and add to the mixture 4. Sift together flour, cocoa, bicarb and salt and add to the batter in 2 batches, mixing thoroughly 5. Add the red food colouring and mix, then leave the batter in the fridge for 20mins to set slightly 6. Using an ice cream scoop, spoon the mounds onto the tray and bake for 10-13mins 7. Mix the bitter and icing sugar, then the cream cheese and use it to sandwich together the fully cooled red velvet mounds
There is actually a home video of us as toddlers, from when I first learnt to stand holding myself up by the rails of the cot I was in, and Stephanie got jealous and knocked me down.
A crapload of years later she is still the same, I mentioned the other day 'Oh, I met Casey's sister she's really nice.'
BIG MISTAKE
This was followed by a lot of 'oh well why don't you just marry her' and resulted in her mouthing I LOVE YOU to Casey next time she came over in the hopes of provoking the same sisterly jealousy. Fucking nutbag. It doesn't help that Casey's also a nutbag, and ended up near hyperventilating over the whole thing.
In true Stephanie style, since I started this blog I got this on my facebook:
Charming.
So here goes a dedication to my lovely sister:
Salted Caramel Cupcakes:
Steph came back from Selfridges yesterday with an alleged Lola's salted caramel cupcake. In my usual modest way, I backed down and said that it sounded lovely and I probably shouldn't even attempt it.
Fuck that.
I marched straight to the kitchen and said Lola's can suck my dick. My mum who struggles with the concept of a Lola's already found the whole thing very unnerving. I can't express to you in words how amazing these cupcakes taste, they are INCREDIBLE. The salty and sweet is just the best thing that will ever happen to you.
Here's the recipe I put together:
Ingredients:
80g unsalted butter softened
280g caster sugar
240g plain flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
240ml whole milk
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
2 large eggs
150g tinned caramel or dulce de leche
Frosting:
500g icing sugar
160g unsulted butter
50ml whole milk
100g tinned caramel
1. Preheat the oven to 190 C (375 F). Gas mark 5 and line a muffin tin with muffin cases.
2. Using a hand-held electric whisk or a freestanding electric mixer with the paddle attachment, whisk together the butter, sugar , flour, baking power and salt on a low speed until crumb-like in consistency.
3. Place the milk and vanilla essence in a jug with the eggs and whisk by hand until combined. Pour three quarters of this mixture into the dry ingredients and mix together on a slow speed, then increase the speed to medium and keep beating until smooth and thick. Scrape down sides of the bowl, then add the remaining milk mixture and the tinned caramel and continue to mix until all the ingredients are incorporated and the batter is smooth.
- at this point, i slyly used Starbucks caramel syrup, it gives a slight coffee taste but is really strong and delicious.
4. Spoon into cupcake cases and cook for 20mins
5. Make frosting by combining all ingredients until smooth and thick
*6. On top of the icing, I decided to add some homemade caramel drizzle. I did so by heating up half a cup of caster sugar on the hob until it turned golden brown. I then quickly added a cup of butter and whisked it in, then half a cup of heavy cream. I waited for this to cool, and then drizzled it over the icing on the cupcakes, followed by a sprinkling of sea salt and sparkles to give a sweet and salty pretzel like kick.
OM NOM NOM.
Just to finish off the dedication to my sister, here's a little something to embarrass her:
This post is dedicated to one of my favourite people in the world:
Jokes. It's for Shier, but I knew that would make her really uncomfortable.
^ This is us getting ready to go to Hi Sushi. She looks like someone has date rape drugged her, but that's ok.
Shier is having a post dedicated to her for these reasons:
1. She is the only one who understands why Carrie shouldn't be with Aidan but also shouldn't be with Big
2. One day she's going to marry a rich Israeli gazillionaire and I'd like to still be friends with her then
3. She has a really superb bum
4. Her neck gets sore...because her brain is so big
So Shier's a great hostess (but not as good as me) and one time she had people over and we both decided to make eclairs, it was epic. Nothing satisfies a stoner more than a desert they can't quite understand.
Here's how it's done:
(this is totally copy and pasted, I'm not going to bother pretending I invented an eclairs recipe)
Ingredients:
creme pastissiere
50g plain flour
350ml milk
15g butter
½ vanilla pod
1 lemon, grated zest and juice
5 large egg yolks
90g caster sugar
decoration
250g fondant icing sugar
1 tbsp pasteurised egg white
1 tbsp icing sugar
½ lemon, grated zest
pastry
2 large eggs, beaten
65g plain flour
50g butter
Method
Mark up the tray: Grease and flour a baking tray lightly. Then, for equal-sized eclairs, use a ruler to measure parallel lines, 10cm apart, marking them with a finger. Repeat, leaving a large gap between the tramlines. This should give you a guideline for piping out the pastry.
Make the pastry: Preheat the oven to 220C/gas 7. Put the butter and 150ml water in a pan on a medium heat until the butter melts and the water starts to boil furiously. Take the pan off the heat at once and add the flour and a pinch of salt. Beat vigorously with a wooden spoon, until the mixture is smooth and no longer sticks to the edges of the pan. Leave to cool in a bowl until barely warm, then gradually add the eggs, beating well after each addition. You may not need all the egg: to test for the right consistency, flick a spoonful – it should flop hesitantly off the end.
Bake the eclairs: Put the mixture into a piping bag with a 1.5cm round nozzle. Pipe eight 10cm-long eclairs between each set of markings. Cook for 20 minutes, until golden (don’t open the oven for the first 12 minutes). Pierce each with a skewer to let out any steam; cool on a wire rack.
Prepare the filling: Meanwhile, make the crème patissière. Whisk the yolks and sugar together until pale and creamy. Mix in the flour. Bring the milk up to a boil in a pan; slowly add it to the egg mixture, whisking continuously. Rinse out the pan, then return the mix to it with the butter. Cook over a medium heat, whisking continuously until it boils. It is important to boil it for 1–2 minutes to cook out the flour and thicken the mixture. Cool in a bowl, covered with clingfilm. Divide the mixture in three. Add vanilla seeds, rose water and lemon zest and juice to each respective bowl.
Stuff the eclairs: To fill the eclairs, pipe some crème patissière in through the skewered hole or slice through the bottom of each one lengthwise to fill them – if you use this method, you can fill the eclairs with a spoon, rather than piping in the crème patissière.
Ice the buns: Mix the sifted fondant sugar with 2-21/2 tbsp water until thick but just spoonable. Split between three bowls and add a drop of food colouring to one and red to another. Spoon over the eclairs. Brush the rose petals with the egg white and scatter with the sugar. Use these and the lemon zest to decorate. Leave to set for about 30 minutes.
Also - FUCK THE ROSE PETALS. We're making eclairs here, not a pretentious fountain of retardedness.
