The best cupcake in the entire world.

First a little backstory:

My sister is a VERY possessive person.

There is actually a home video of us as toddlers, from when I first learnt to stand holding myself up by the rails of the cot I was in, and Stephanie got jealous and knocked me down. 

A crapload of years later she is still the same, I mentioned the other day 'Oh, I met Casey's sister she's really nice.'
BIG MISTAKE
This was followed by a lot of 'oh well why don't you just marry her' and resulted in her mouthing I LOVE YOU to Casey next time she came over in the hopes of provoking the same sisterly jealousy. Fucking nutbag. It doesn't help that Casey's also a nutbag, and ended up near hyperventilating over the whole thing. 

In true Stephanie style, since I started this blog I got this on my facebook:

Charming.

So here goes a dedication to my lovely sister:

Salted Caramel Cupcakes: 

Steph came back from Selfridges yesterday with an alleged Lola's salted caramel cupcake. In my usual modest way, I backed down and said that it sounded lovely and I probably shouldn't even attempt it.

Fuck that.

I marched straight to the kitchen and said Lola's can suck my dick. My mum who struggles with the concept of a Lola's already found the whole thing very unnerving. I can't express to you in words how amazing these cupcakes taste, they are INCREDIBLE. The salty and sweet is just the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Here's the recipe I put together:

Ingredients:

80g unsalted butter softened 

280g caster sugar

240g plain flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

240ml whole milk

1/2 tsp vanilla essence

2 large eggs

150g tinned caramel or dulce de leche

Frosting:

500g icing sugar

160g unsulted butter

50ml whole milk

100g tinned caramel 

1.  Preheat the oven to 190 C (375 F). Gas mark 5 and line a muffin tin with muffin cases.

2.  Using a hand-held electric whisk or a freestanding electric mixer with the paddle attachment, whisk together the butter, sugar , flour, baking power and salt on a low speed until crumb-like in consistency.

3.  Place the milk and vanilla essence in a jug with the eggs and whisk by hand until combined.  Pour three quarters of this mixture into the dry ingredients and mix together on a slow speed, then increase the speed to medium and keep beating until smooth and thick.  Scrape down sides of the bowl, then add the remaining milk mixture and the tinned caramel and continue to mix until all the ingredients are incorporated and the batter is smooth.

- at this point, i slyly used Starbucks caramel syrup, it gives a slight coffee taste but is really strong and delicious.

4. Spoon into cupcake cases and cook for 20mins

5. Make frosting by combining all ingredients until smooth and thick

*6. On top of the icing, I decided to add some homemade caramel drizzle. I did so by heating up half a cup of caster sugar on the hob until it turned golden brown. I then quickly added a cup of butter and whisked it in, then half a cup of heavy cream. I waited for this to cool, and then drizzled it over the icing on the cupcakes, followed by a sprinkling of sea salt and sparkles to give a sweet and salty pretzel like kick. 

                                           OM NOM NOM.

Just to finish off the dedication to my sister, here's a little something to embarrass her:

Shier's Fondant Eclairs

This post is dedicated to one of my favourite people in the world:

Jokes. It's for Shier, but I knew that would make her really uncomfortable.

^ This is us getting ready to go to Hi Sushi. She looks like someone has date rape drugged her, but that's ok.
Shier is having a post dedicated to her for these reasons:
1. She is the only one who understands why Carrie shouldn't be with Aidan but also shouldn't be with Big
2. One day she's going to marry a rich Israeli gazillionaire and I'd like to still be friends with her then
3. She has a really superb bum
4. Her neck gets sore...because her brain is so big

So Shier's a great hostess (but not as good as me) and one time she had people over and we both decided to make eclairs, it was epic. Nothing satisfies a stoner more than a desert they can't quite understand.

Here's how it's done:
(this is totally copy and pasted, I'm not going to bother pretending I invented an eclairs recipe)

Ingredients:

• creme pastissiere
• 50g plain flour
• 350ml milk
• 15g butter
• ½ vanilla pod
• 1 lemon, grated zest and juice
• 5 large egg yolks
• 90g caster sugar

• decoration
• 250g fondant icing sugar
• 1 tbsp pasteurised egg white
• 1 tbsp icing sugar
• ½ lemon, grated zest

• pastry
• 2 large eggs, beaten
• 65g plain flour
• 50g butter

Method

1. Mark up the tray: Grease and flour a baking tray lightly. Then, for equal-sized eclairs, use a ruler to measure parallel lines, 10cm apart, marking them with a finger. Repeat, leaving a large gap between the tramlines. This should give you a guideline for piping out the pastry.
2. Make the pastry: Preheat the oven to 220C/gas 7. Put the butter and 150ml water in a pan on a medium heat until the butter melts and the water starts to boil furiously. Take the pan off the heat at once and add the flour and a pinch of salt. Beat vigorously with a wooden spoon, until the mixture is smooth and no longer sticks to the edges of the pan. Leave to cool in a bowl until barely warm, then gradually add the eggs, beating well after each addition. You may not need all the egg: to test for the right consistency, flick a spoonful – it should flop hesitantly off the end.
3. Bake the eclairs: Put the mixture into a piping bag with a 1.5cm round nozzle. Pipe eight 10cm-long eclairs between each set of markings. Cook for 20 minutes, until golden (don’t open the oven for the first 12 minutes). Pierce each with a skewer to let out any steam; cool on a wire rack.
4. Prepare the filling: Meanwhile, make the crème patissière. Whisk the yolks and sugar together until pale and creamy. Mix in the flour. Bring the milk up to a boil in a pan; slowly add it to the egg mixture, whisking continuously. Rinse out the pan, then return the mix to it with the butter. Cook over a medium heat, whisking continuously until it boils. It is important to boil it for 1–2 minutes to cook out the flour and thicken the mixture. Cool in a bowl, covered with clingfilm. Divide the mixture in three. Add vanilla seeds, rose water and lemon zest and juice to each respective bowl.
5. Stuff the eclairs: To fill the eclairs, pipe some crème patissière in through the skewered hole or slice through the bottom of each one lengthwise to fill them – if you use this method, you can fill the eclairs with a spoon, rather than piping in the crème patissière.
6. Ice the buns: Mix the sifted fondant sugar with 2-21/2 tbsp water until thick but just spoonable. Split between three bowls and add a drop of food colouring to one and red to another. Spoon over the eclairs. Brush the rose petals with the egg white and scatter with the sugar. Use these and the lemon zest to decorate. Leave to set for about 30 minutes.

Also - FUCK THE ROSE PETALS. We're making eclairs here, not a pretentious fountain of retardedness.

Vanilla Butter Birthday Cake

Today's cake was made for the lovely grandma of this awful person Joe Gaus.

Grandma Carol Ann insisted on pink and girly which I was more than happy to hook her up with.
Last time I made one of these was for my art teacher Hannah at our end of year exhibition. Life became only mildly awkward when the head teacher praised me for the first time about accomplishing something pretty (while at an exhibition that my work was displayed at) and his wife told me to open up a bakery instead of going to university.
THANKS BABES - ONLY JUST SPENT THE PAST MONTH DOING A LEVELS TO GO STUDY CLASSICS. AT YOUR SCHOOL. BABES.
I will send her a Trojan horse cake, and instead of Greeks pouring out there will be revenge. Mark my words.
(wow I'm such a psycho loser...I shouldn't be allowed to blog/live)

Anyway back to cake.
It was so much fun making this cake for Joe's lovely grandma, and it came out so fluffy and perfect.
Here's how it's done:

Ingreds:

4 large eggs (separated)

3 1/2 cups sifted cake flour

4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (227 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature

2 cups granulated sugar, divided

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1 cup milk (room temperature)

1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

Buttercream:

1 cup (227 g) unsalted butter, softened

6 cups icing sugar (confectioners’)

120 ml whipping cream

2 tablespoons pure vanilla extract

1 tablespoon water

pinch of salt

(mix all together)

Preheat the oven to 177C

1. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, baking powder and salt, set aside.

2. Cream the butter first, then add 1 1/2 cups of the sugar and beat until light and fluffy. Then mix in the egg yolks and vanilla.

3. With the mixer on low speed, alternate between the milk and flour mix, starting and ending with the flour to keep it smooth.

4. In a separate bowl, whisk up the egg whites until medium stiff peaks form. Then add the cream of tartar, whisk, then add the sugar and whisk further.

5. Pour this meringue mix into the original mix and fold through so it is light and airy.

6. Pour mixture into greased pans and cook for appx 25 mins.

7. Leave to fully cool, then remove from pans, wrap in cling film and freeze for 35 mins. (this makes icing easier)

8. Sandwich the two layers together on a cake board with buttercream and jam.

9. Cover the outside with frosting, and decorate as desired.

Done!

You can decorate any which way you want, i chose the roses round the side because I wanted to include names, it can also be very pretty if you swirl on roses all over:

xx

Macaroons for Adrien

I've been making french macaroons morealess non stop since I fell in love with Lorraine Pascale and she showed me how.
Since then they've become Paris' answer to the lola's cupcake and they literally taste like heaven.

It turns out I've been using them as apology presents ever since, once for my friend who's birthday I erm...forgot (no biggy only known her 6 years) and another time for my English teacher as a mutual understanding that homework just plain wasn't going to happen and also to check if he's in love with me. He isn't. He should be.

I made a batch yesterday for my obese friend Mary:

Unfortunately her boyfriend Adrien who only remembered me as 'the girl who called him a homosexual' got involved in the whole thing too. I didn't really want him to try one, because he's a real live French person - not like the kind of fake French person that I pretended to be last night to stop a 4ft tall Iranian man from rubbing his nylon suit against me...blech

Adrien seemed to like them, and insisted that I give him the recipe. Not in the morning, not when I get a chance. NOW. He explained to me that I had some free time on my hands. He also yelled at me for not accepting the whole French 'kiss on two cheeks' situation. Very forceful Frenchman, but he calls Mary 'my love' all the time so I can't not like him.

So Adrien, here's your recipe:

Ingredients:
125g icing sugar
125g ground almonds
40g egg whites
110g caster sugar
50g egg whites

1. Combine icing sugar, almonds and 40g egg whites (roughly one egg, depending on your chosen chickens vagina capacity) and colour accordingly.

2. In a separate bowl, whisk 50g egg whites until medium stiff peaks form (there should be a soft little triangle on the bottom of your whisk) Add caster sugar and whisk until stiff peaks form.

3. Fold egg white mixture into original mixture (but don't overmix) and fill into a piping bag. Pipe cute little circles and leave to stand for 30min while they develop a skin. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 150C.

4. Put in the oven for 8-10 minutes, and then once out and cooled remove from parchment paper/greased pan with a knife.

5. Whip up some double cream or ganache of your preference and sandwich the pieces together.

* you can vary the flavours, e.g. the ones below are salted caramel - same recipe but with a splash of caramel and a pinch of sea salt in the cream and base

xx

You can't have this cheesecake recipe.

This fucker is the holy grail of all cheesecakes. I'm not even joking or being arrogant. Actually to be fair I am being arrogant, but it's fine.

So basically, I'm not giving up this recipe, I'm just boasting. Anyone that's ever tried this cheesecake knows what I'm talking about, although last time I made it no one got the chance...cos I ate it all...in 2 days...

You only really see my extremely abusive side when it comes to cheesecake. My very best friend Mike knows about this, as he kindly brought me some cheesecake he made the other day and I insisted it was wrong. Because it wasn't this ^. I'm a horrible person. It turns out he's the only one who is allowed to know about this recipe.

You may be judging by the grandma plate and messy cut in the middle that this cheesecake is being overhyped, it isn't.
Speaking of grandmas, mine isn't allowed this recipe and has been known to skulk around the kitchen when she comes over looking for it. Sneaky minx.

Seeing as I'm refusing to give you (or my sweet, mildly racist grandma) this recipe, I will share with you the recipe for my nails this week. They are VERY exciting.

Never done a crossword in my life, I'm pretty convinced I don't know the rules - but wear a crossword? That I can do.
Super easy.
1. Paint nails a very light colour
2. Wait for them to dry, then dip them in a shotglass of vodka
3. Cut a strip of newspaper (it can be anything you want, not neccessarily crossword) and lay it on top of the nail
4. Peel off, top coat and you look like a FUCKING GENIUS.

Thats all folks
xx

Essie Cake

This is going to be a very mini one, on Essie Cake.

Here's the deal on Essie, this is her:

She likes cake. 

I spent the whole of this academic year being quite possibly the least productive member of my Art A2 class...excluding the guy who based his project on his favourite tramp and disappeared to Amsterdam midweek without mentioning it to anyone. *cough* ezra *cough* your family still doesn't know where you are *cough*
As i didn't provide much by way of actual work to art lessons, I provided a crapload by way of food. It  on every 'Cake Wednesday' (formerly known as 'Dirty Wednesday' according to my friend Leo's ArtRoom Calender of:

Milf Mondays
Tits Tuesdays
Dirty Wednesdays

Filthy Thursdays (no one said he was perfect)
and Frisky Fridays

that Essie decided I should name a cake after her:

So here it is:

Essie Cake (aka Caramel and Marshmallow brownies)

There's not much to it, just follow the recipe of my oreo brownies, but replace them with mini marshmallows and caramel chunks, cut up into little heart shapes.

Beauts.

PUGLY.

CAKE POPS.

There is nothing more exciting than a cake pop.
Actually that's a lie, there are lots of things more exciting than a cake pop, like this:

VERY exciting. What a bitch... I would definitely end up doing the same to be fair, but with better spelling and less throwing around of the word babe. It reminds me of those patronising girls that think they're your mum calling you 'honey' and 'sweetie' left right and centre. Yuck. Stop it, all of you.

SO BACK TO CAKE.
As far as things that are on a stick, there is nothing more exciting than a cake pop.
First time I made these was for my boyfriends surprise birthday tea.
I know what you're thinking, I'm such a nice girlfriend, who doesn't like tea? etc.
I'm actually worse than the girl in that video.
The surprise element of this party, was that as my poor boyfriend arrived, he was greeted by the sight of one of his closest friends:

 < THIS GUY

Wearing little more than a pair of boxers. Nothing says 'Happy Birthday' like betrayal and heartbreak followed by all of your friends running at you cheering.

But see the point of this story is that the cake pops made it all better.

They were so beautiful and yummy that he soon(ish) forgot about the most brutal birthday ever.

*SURPRISE*

Here's how they go:

1. Make any cake you want. Except for cheesecake, that won't work. Or invisible cake, that wont work unless you have invisible sticks. I took the sly stoner route and used a betty crocker chocolate readymix, i recommend you do the same. 

2. Once the cake is cooked and cooled, break it up and then proceed to stir in a cup of buttercream, (also can be bought if you cba to make it) so that it becomes moist and moldable. 

3. Shape the cake into little truffle sized balls and leave to cool. Meanwhile, melt some dairy milk in a heatproof bowl over boiling water, and then dip your lollypop sticks into the chocolate, then into the cake balls. 

4. Once secure, dip each cake ball into the chocolate so it's coated, then roll into sprinkles of your choice.

Voila!

Woolfy's Oreo Brownies

I am totally new at this and will probably royally screw it up. It's chilled.

As a first ever blog post, I figured I would start with one of my favourite ever recipes.
The reason why I love these brownies so much isn't because they're quick and easy (which they are) but because of people's reactions when they eat them.

 My main issue with standard brownies is that the after taste is always a little bland, and when it comes to 'special' brownies the bland turns into downright chunderous. 

What with oreo's being the best thing in the world anyway, their amazing after taste completely cures all of these problems.

So back to the reactions - these brownies get their name from a friend of mine.
I first made them for a bake sale at College and said friend came to keep me company and save me from various awkward teachers winking and smiling at me like I was selling porn.
Instead of being helpful, she basically ate the entire plate of brownies, making such embarrassing noises that we managed to start making some sales...so technically we were selling porn, but the M&S kind. (you know the advert, you've paused on the potatos)

ANYWAY


So Woolfy's original name for the brownies is too inappropriate for this end of the internet, so for now they're just named after her.
Enough rambling, here's how you make them:

You will need-
100g milk chocolate - preferably dairy milk
100g dark chocolate - preferably bournville
175g unsalted butter
325g caster sugar
130g plain flour
3 eggs
1 packet of Oreosicing sugar, to decorate



*Preheat the oven to 170C*


1. Grab a heatproof bowl and put it over a pan of boiling water, making sure the water doesn't touch the bowl. Melt the butter, then add the cut up chocolate. (most people do them together, but I find the hot butter helps to cook the chocolate smoothly)

2. Once smooth and melted, take off the heat and quickly stir in the sugar, then the flour and eggs. It should be thick and smooth.


3. Take half the oreos and crunch them up into quarters, then stir them into the mix. 


4. Pour into greased tin and then sprinkle over the remaining oreos, broken up in the same way. 


5. Cook for 30/35 mins, and leave to fully cool before cutting up. 


They should end up looking something like this:

That's all for now, hopefully this didn't totally fail.
xx OJ